In retrospect
by Naoki Ichigo
Summary: Hakuryuu thinks about his past with Judar.


**Reviews/Comments would be very much appreciated.**

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 _Retrospectively his relationship with Judar had always been a strange one.  
_ When he had been a young boy he had been interested in the strange looking boy that had dared to take the attention of his mother away from him.  
He had been somewhat jealous. He didn't want to share his mother with anyone besides his brothers and his sister.  
On the other hand he had thought of Judar as someone amazing. The way that boy had looked, the way that boy had interacted with other people, the way that boy had talked. Also Judar seemed to be able to use a mysterious power called magic.  
Nowadays magic was something normal for him, but back then when he still had been a child it had been something mysterious. It had been scary, interesting, funny and beautiful! Now it was just there. Nothing special.  
Judar was able to use magic and he loved to show it.  
How many times had the servant had to take care of broken doors, vases and other things?  
How many times had Judar set the garden on fire – the bushes, flowers, the grass and even some trees, but never had he harmed a tree that carried peaches – or had almost burned down places – like the library or other "boring" places – inside the palace?  
How many times had someone got hurt by Judars magic and how many times had his mother scold him for doing all those things?  
Judar had never cared.  
Neither had Hakuryuu.

Retrospectively it had always been Judar, who tried to build up a relationship.  
He had always been too shy to start a conversation with strangers. He had always been too afraid of others that it was almost impossible for him to make friends. The palace was big and a lot of people lived and worked there, but there had been almost no children, especially children his age, around. So he stuck to his sister, his mother and when his brothers had been around then he would stuck to them like glue.  
Judar had been different. He had always came up to him and started talking about various things. He had complained about his teachers and the harsh training, but he had also brag about his magical skills and wisdom. Hakuryuu at that time had been amazed by it.  
It had also always been Judar who invited Hakuryuu to play with him. He had liked playing with the priest.  
The games had been loud, rough, wild and funny.  
They had been scold a lot, but both of them had not cared at all.  
Why should they?  
It had been fun and there was nothing wrong with having fun – that had been what he had thought back then.

In the end the time they had spent together playing or simply talking had been rare.  
Judar had to learn a lot of spells and he also had to visit a lot of different countries.  
When he had come back from his trips he had often told Hakuryuu about the new places he had visited.  
After the fire accident Hakuryuu had been isolated by the people around him, but he also had distanced himself from everyone. He couldn't trust anyone anymore! Everyone had been a potential enemy, an ally of Al Thamen!  
Therefore, he had also distanced himself from Judar, who had been the only one who had treated him normally after he had lost his position as third prince, since the red-eyed boy had been a part of that organization.  
Judar still had come to him to talk and play and show his new skills – when Koutoku became emperor Judar had gotten more important and hence had less time for Hakuryuu.  
What the priest had to do after the new emperor had been crowned was unknown to the little kid Hakuryuu had been back then. Now it was not important anymore.  
All that matter back then had been the fact that Judar was a part of Al Thamen, he was one of their puppets and Hakuryuu had hated everything and everyone that was association with them – and still did.  
So he had hated Judar.

Retrospectively Hakuryuu had never given Judar the change to prove that he had been more than just a puppet, that he had been a human being with his own mind, that he had been on his side, that he hadn't been an enemy.  
Hakuryuu had never given the black haired boy a chance to show him who he had really been.  
Judar had only started to slowly gain the "right" to be his own person when the two of them had decided to team up against Gyokuen. Unfortunately, they had only spent a short time together. Now Judar was dead and he would never came back.  
When Hakuryuu started to see Judar for who he was, someone took him away.  
And now he regretted all the missed opportunities to make a friend.  
Now he was wondering how things would have turned out, when he would have befriended Judar, when he would have talked to him more and especially about Al Thamen.  
All the years of loneliness could have been prevented when he would have let Judar get closer to him.  
Judar had never insulted him, had never treated him badly.  
Judar had always smiled at him, had always talked to him when he had the chance to.  
But Hakuryuu dismissed the other one, because he had thought the other was part of Al Thamen, a puppet of the witch that had taken everything away from him.

Now he was wondering how their relationship would have turned out, when Judar would be still alive.  
How would the war have ended and if they had won, what would be now?  
Would they go into another war or would Judar retire to eat all the peaches in the palace garden and "force" him to use his djinn to regrow the peaches?  
Would they became real friends and would he start to view Judar as a person?  
Would they stop using each other?  
Many questions, irrelevant questions.  
Judar was gone and the war was over.

Hakuryuu was now the emperor and he had no time to think of all the thing that could have been.  
Tears slowly make their way down his cheek and then felt down on the ground where they're would disappear forever.  
Hakuryuu cried silently.  
He cried because of and for his brothers.  
He cried because of and for Judar.  
He cried because of all the years of loneliness he had gone through.  
He cried because of all the things that could have been.  
He cried because of all the things that would never be.  
He even cried for the people who died because of the war.  
He also cried for Kougyoku.  
And he cried because of and for so many things that he could not even name.

He wished he would start all over again.

In retrospect he could have chosen a different path in life, but he didn't and now he had to deal with the aftermath of his decisions – maybe not everything had been his fault or his fault alone, but no one was asking who was to blame, he had to take all the blame, because it was easier that way.


End file.
